Happy Place

Oh wow, I am at my happy place. Without nobody. With nothing.

Sometimes I feel no matter what you grab in life, sorrow finds its way.

You are happy when people need you. And when they don’t,you merely exist.

The goal in life would probably be to be there, just be there forever for somebody and the moment you realise you are not needed, move away!

Move away as far as you can. Don’t care what it takes. A couple of days of days of heart break or a couple of minutes of self hate.

Just run

But .. damn I shouldn’t start a sentence like that ~ it’s rude to my grammar sense.

Yeah well,just get along as much as you can then run away. Whaaaaat ? It’s wrong to your moral science ?

You should just get lost and forget it all. With what ? At the cost of your friends judging you ?

It’s a funny feel, the ones you trust look at you through the windows of the society and dump you in the garbage, for nothing !

There are tiny tiny moments down here, you feel lonely, unwanted and out of the herd – and it’s at moments like these you realise the truest of anybody’s instincts. And believe me it could be in the middle of a midnight fucking party !

You may have been through a lot. May have seen a lot, but everything that is yet to happen is still new and hopefully not blue ..

Ps: I wrote this perhaps three years back, today I read it unexpectedly and felt it’s still true. The mortality that withholds everything in this planet fascinates me now.

Maze

I no longer know what I want or what I don’t

No longer know what I deserve what I don’t

Caught in this maze of destiny

Watching away losing myself

Today it’s here

Tomorrow it’s gone

The Empty Red Bucket

An empty bucket in the middle of a field
Red it is
Very attractive
You walk upto it
Cause the field so empty
You would have anyways
It is so hollow
You think to yourself
But deeper
Than the ground it stands
And then you notice
Them tiny creatures
Crawling around
In shapes and forms
Constantly shifting
Even you would be confused
M sure

Mate.

Dear best friend
Today you went out of the room after getting dressed in the prettiest way possible
Said you were gonna be on a date .
I watched the happy go lucky you waving goodbye at nothing but looking forward to everything.
You got back in the evening. You were tired
You said you wanted to sleep.
You smelled of beer that which I don’t like.
Nevertheless we lied down together,and you didn’t stop talking.
You said you wanted to know what the guys around were talking about you.
You asked me to ask him about it.
You told me people at college bitched about you
as the girl who hung out with too many guys
You said you thought one of our batch mates were super slut
Funny how it was different for you and her
I told you about the grandeur burger I ate for lunch.

I told you about how it doesn’t matter what others think.

And you wouldn’t stop talking that night until late night when your eyes just had to comply

There you were on my arms fast asleep

Tired and peaceful

I woke up empty handed & mind loaded the next day

You were nowhere to be found

Waited for you till the sun set

And I was reminded of this tidbit I had left for myself

M glad I found you here

No longer on my arms but in my eyesight

The nice poem

You are the broken screen of my phone
The fairy tale balloon that lights up during the dark
The letter I wrote to Van Gogh
The bracelet I wear to flow through
My first ever chocolate cake that didn’t bake well
The desperate try at non rhyming poems
The black t-shirt I love the most
And trips on your arms I will never forget
Everyday fights we’ll never regret
Cries and laughter’s at the same time
Long distance shots that don’t come out well
The ugly and stupid and the pretty and cute
The undestined destiny
In the never ending journeys
In this tiny planet
Is an entire universe
Just for you
Just for me
And we created Us
So we run into here
For the silly everyday fights
Cries laughter and above all
Love ,over and over again

The Fine line

From the terrible need to write something out for the college magazine, I open my notebook (virtual of course- still in the search of what’s real and what’s not!)

So there on the top of it , I see a reminder . Unsurprisingly for me, it says “Bath-7:00am”
But since when did I need a reminder to take care of myself ? 
We all start our lives from absolute zero and apparently learn things on the way. Few things we are taught and a lot others we grasp automatically. And I think a lot of us lag behind in spacing oneself in their whole big to do list . 
If at all I’d want to share anything now,then that would be to begin to accept ourselves the way we are. I see too many people running behind a lot of things for the sake of someone else . Indulging themselves into the never ending rat race to be the Apple of the eye for others . While we do a lot of sacrifices for people we love, I think the most important thing to be is to be oneself. To be oneself and believe in it no matter how much of a pain it is and love with all your heart !  I just think that there’s a fine line.  

That life in a day !

This one comes out of terrible nostalgia and a lot of other feelings I don’t really have words for . 

Medical school is a lot about stress,pain and never ending dilemma about the moment you chose to come in. Atleast that’s what I think. Although it does come with it’s own perks .For instance, it makes sure you have an “oh wow ” day every once a while .

This month has a lot been about “Ohwows.But I loved today’s the most .

It was while we were boringly watching the slightly fluctuating blood pressure of this patient under anaesthesia that our sir informed us of an emergency Caesarian delivery in the next theatre.Despite being students of the anesthetic department , we were excited about the baby coming out and we fled .

And there in the gynaec ward, we saw blood stains around a bed . Looks like somebody’s been bleeding and definitely an emergency, I thought to myself ! 

The gynaec OT was filled with us. We were expecting our not so friendly Gynaecology Madam to throw us out any moment . Don’t take me wrong, but Medicine being a highly draining career on its own sometimes make people behave unreasonably ! 

We could see the mother-to-be lying on the theatre bed half anxious half in pain and a lot in fear! She was quickly administered the anaesthetic after which she probably felt better . 

The following sequences were so bloody fast . All I remember now is the one tiny incision on her abdomen and the head of the baby . The intense amount of excitement and awe in the air… Motherhood must be one hell of an experience !  

The doctor held the baby in her hand and me being someone who has seen all of this only on a screen,was standing right there mouth wide open . Thankfully enough for the masks, nobody obviously noticed ! And then it struck to me that the baby appeared so pale and still . Wait! Where’s that beautiful thing everyone longs to listen ? The baby wasn’t crying . Come on cry , darling !  My heart screamed . I didn’t have to wait for long.  There the baby was crying . At first very mildly , you wouldn’t call it crying . More like the baby telling you I am here .. nothing cuter and more sincere can you hear.  There he cried again , damn it was such​ a beautiful moment . The baby had so much to tell us in that one moment . 

I saw Malu crying next to me . I saw myself going back to that tiny lil thing that walked away in the nurse’s arms :’) 

About us . 

This is a picture of us a few years back . We were all evidently disappointed at something.Maybe we started off from home with a fight , the way it’s always with us ! 

But all of us have tried to hide it so well and I think I did a better job at it .Nada looks the funniest of the lot and Fadi the most annoyed due to obvious reasons ! 

Fadi , as a kid , just as he’s now , was always in a special mood and you never know what he’s up to next . I believe he wanted to get to the swings on the opposite side when we all wanted a picture together ! 

Back then , although we were in the era of mobile phone cameras we were not fussy about the perfect click and hence didn’t click multiple times until the buccinator ached ! 

There was just one click, a maximum of two and this is all we have . 

Also this picture reminds me that we never know the value of what we have . Because , today to get a picture together is something I have to wait for months and even a year sometimes! And back then we were together for the majority of the seconds of the day , we were too busy worrying, complaining and enjoying it bringing it together !

The one that shouldn’t be typed out , perhaps !

Something about going back to things and people that made you what you are whilst we are constantly evolving from this very moment to the next, there’s nothing like going back to the roots . 

I have been pen and paper less for a very long time. I’ve been organising my thoughts or “scribbling” them , occasionally, through the digital letters that flow through the keyboard on my cell. Yet, today when I saw a pen and a random sheet of paper lying pretty much uninterested , my thoughts began flowing through the ink , like never before .

And that alone gave me the feeling of fullness after so long . 

I saw me .

Ironically enough , I’m typing it out too .😂

First things second ! 

Staring right here , at the space I have made for myself , I  think I should write a bit about me as well , maybe ! (You see, I am more of a “Maybe” person , annoying to many )

So guys , this is me Huda Zubair.  Often apprehensive about saying things out loud unless very comfortable with people around .And sometimes way too naive to blurt things out . *Stupid*.

Umm , I am that girl who you might spot walking against you , in the long hallway and you won’t know if she was smiling or trying to . 

I like spending time doing things that lets me escape . And for that , anything will do .

That’s it for now an introductory, I guess.  I like writing things down . It’s easier for me most of the times.

And now is the time I thought maybe if I write it down for someone to read , it’ll be interesting.

I’ll be around !

Off now 🙂